Soul Filling Oohrah

Content Warning: This article recounts war.

​Reminiscing on sunnier days, we met our new friend Nick and his fluffy friend, Bear, that stole our hearts. Nick shared about his earliest memories and the love he has for his family. “My childhood wasn’t the greatest. I grew up in the backwoods. I had a pretty abusive, alcoholic, drug addict mother and never had a dad. I grew up raising my other siblings. I am the oldest of seven siblings. I raised them and took care of them. I made sure they got to school, ate, and bathed. I really didn’t have a childhood. We all had different fathers, but we didn’t see it that way. We were family.” 

Growing up, each child begins to find their way through pivotal moments. For Nick, he began to find his path through nature and sport. “I would run around in the woods and practice survival. I took up boxing to protect my family and got really good at it as time went on. I wanted to be like Rambo (movie) while growing up. When I got into my late teens, I began thinking about my future. I saw a lot of commercials for the Marine Corps and decided to give it a shot. I went down to the recruiting office and filled out all of my paperwork and took the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) by the time I was 17. As soon as I graduated high school I was off to boot camp.”

Nick quickly excelled through the ranks of the military. The Marine Corps became his life. He experienced the highs and the extreme lows that come during war time. “I grew up in a tough home so the transition to boot camp was easy for me. I was already comfortable with the violence. I was already used to people getting in my face. After basic, I ended up getting selected for sniper school. After that, I was a sniper for seven years. I was approached by a higher up who liked my military performance. I went from scout sniper over to MAROC, meaning Marine Corps Forces Special Operations Command, became a raider, went through ITC (Individual Training Course) and a few other schools. The Marine Corps is my life. It was the food I ate and the air I breathed, it was everything. I did two tours in Afghanistan. On the road, back to the city, we got hit with an IED (Improvised Explosive Device). Most of the time an IED will shake you a bit, but this one was a different story. Our humvee flipped and our whole convoy came to a stop. I woke up dazed and covered in blood. The two guys up front weren’t responding at all. The guy next to me had shrapnel lodged in his chest. I wasn’t really thinking and couldn’t see straight. I grabbed the guy beside me to pull him out. I knew he didn’t have a chance, but it didn’t matter… I tried to save him. Three other Marines pulled me off of him and that’s the last thing I remember until I was getting my medical discharge papers… I suffered a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and epilepsy. I was also diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was discharged after seven years and came home.” 

Nick’s loyal companion, Bear, remains a big part of his life and one of the reasons he keeps fighting. “After I got discharged, I was able to get my dog back from my family. I went to the VA (Veteran Affairs) and they helped me with the process of making him into a service animal for my epilepsy and PTSD. It seems like you raise them their whole life and then you get older and they are taking care of you. He's been with me through a lot of meltdowns. A lot of people say if you're going to be homeless you shouldn’t have a dog. He has a whole bag of food, and I’m sitting here hungry as hell. He comes first and my kids come first.”

Returning from duty does not mean that life returns to normal. The PTSD, experiences, comradery, it changes veterans’ abilities to hold a life fit to society’s standards. Nick felt many of these same things after his discharge from the Marine Corps. “I didn’t know how to adapt. I didn’t know what to do. I figured at the time I would still have my buddies and my unit. I thought they would still call me and check on me. It’s not like that. The door slams behind you. You don’t get to turn around and walk back in. For a minute I was happy. I felt free. In the same sense, I didn’t know what to do next. This was all I knew. I had a house, guns, motorcycle, and more. I lived on that money for a while. As time went on, I ran out of all of it.” 

The aftermath of Nick’s deployment also changed the dynamics of his family. “When I was being discharged my wife filed for divorce. We reconnected and ended up having three kids together. The youngest we put up for adoption. She was severely disabled. We didn’t know how to afford what she needed. We had to make a choice to adopt her out to a family who could provide for our child. It doesn’t mean we are bad parents. We had to do what was best for her. I just hope I made the right choice. I hope when my daughter gets older she wants to meet us, if she can, and that she’s not disappointed.”

Nick does not dwell on his current situation, but instead inspires others and himself to keep looking for the future. “My kids are the reason that I live in La Crosse now. I spend a lot of time by the river. Being near others experiencing homelessness has led to a lot of stress and there is so much hostility. It makes me want to run. The thought of a better future with a good job and buying land and acreage keeps me going. I love nature. I find peace in nature. In MARSOC we say, Always Faithful, Always Forward. No matter what, you stay faithful to your country, your family, yourself. You always have to push forward. No matter the obstacles, you have to find a way through and forward. Being here, I don’t like it… This is not the way I am supposed to be living. I’ve had it all before, and I can have it all again.” 

Nick offers advice for others experiencing hardship and homelessness. “Stay faithful to yourself. Keep pushing forward no matter the odds. Don’t look back, look forward. There’s no reason to look back. Nothing is back there. You can remember it and remember the good times, lessons learned, but move forward. That’s all we can do. You’re not going to get anywhere if you can’t do that.” 

Artists’ Note: Nick’s story reminds us to keep ourselves grounded in nature. Throughout Nick’s story he referenced moving forward, feeling stuck, and only looking back to the lessons we learn in life. We selected this photo with a golden horizon to parallel Nick's message of ‘Always Forward.’ The ice in the water can cause us to freeze in place, yet we must find what pushes us forward in life and keeps us afloat and for Nick that’s nature, country, and family.